This is wedding week…a wonderful happy occasion with a roller coaster of emotions for me…in South African…not able to have my family and friends to celebrate with…yet yesterday I received wonderful news that my son was flying halfway around the world…more than a 36-hour trip for him…to be with me and give me away…my heart just melted into a bubble of tenderness…
I am incredibly grateful for Mr. P’s beautiful family here that took me in with open arms and hearts…the wedding is being held at his sister’s house…the most gracious host and hostess…an intimate beautiful and charming summer midmorning wedding…all the beauty that I always wanted is coming true…the wildflower bouquet…the cake that I had always dreamed of…of course, it’s chocolate with chocolate ganache for Mr. P’s tastebud approval…
I had emphatically stated for many years that I would never, ever get married again…every relationship in the past had failed horribly…no matter how hard I tried they ended leaving painful wounds that took years to heal…that was my paradigm…all I have experienced…so why in the world would I sign up for that again…but here I am… scared and happy to believe that this is the right one …at the right time…my handsome knight that kissed me awake to a new world of hope and possibilities…
I am richly blessed with a man who has persevered and loved me despite it all…all the wounds and scars I carry…Arriving two and a half years ago not expecting to get married…🤔possibly a brief interlude in time to enjoy this incredible friendship that we had found despite and probably because of the great distance between us (another story😃)…
During that time we have come through more highs and lows than some couple’s experiences in a lifetime…covid…cancer…my immersion into a new culture…divorce…retirement…and I won’t bore you with the day-to-day choppy struggles that we all sail through…and I’m still here…more in love than I have ever been in my life…and on Sunday I am making THE commitment…no matter what happens I will never regret one moment…
Enough of the warm kissy sappy syrupy dribble of sweet emotions… I am still more comfortable showing the hard shell on the outside…defenses that hide the gooey, emotional, scaredy mess that I really am..
I feel like I am starting a new adventure…(in my marriage) and my goal of health, energy, and vitality…my myriad adventures both in the natural and spiritual arenas have been numerous from living in Thailand and Alaska…and places in between…but this expedition is my personal Mount Everest…it will take a huge amount of determination and dedication to complete this formidable journey to its end…
Like the climb to Mount Everest…I have been acclimatizing myself for many years…I’ve failed numerous times on this endeavor before…even reached the peak of goal weight…I hadn’t lost the weight for myself…only to compete for my ex’s attention and love against the women of his affairs…of course it did not have anything to do with how “thin” I was…so I failed and incurred more inflamed scars to weigh me down…and stuffed my anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt…every traumatic emotion becoming trapped…creating body armor that became useful in my life…
Your unhealthy habits were just survival mechanisms that you held onto to protect yourself. You aren’t trying to be self-destructive! Your brain is just telling you that danger is imminent, so you prepare accordingly. But you just need to slowly build new, healthy habits because you aren’t in danger anymore.
Heading for First Camp
Let’s try and start unraveling the tangled mess from the beginning…
I look at these photos of when I was 2 years old, and I see innocent happiness and an unbounded child’s joy…where did she go…this sweet child…will I ever find her again…
I sit here…feeling the pain start to wrack my spirit…I am in a safe and loving environment, and I am OK…Really…this is apparently going to be part of the exploration… I didn’t want to go through this process…I really didn’t…I held the belief that if ever I opened the faucet ever so slightly…that it wouldn’t just drip out a drop at a time…but gush out so rapidly that I would drown in excruciating agony…
AND
Preparation this week is being healthy self-care of exercising and keeping a food journal…slowly and surely…my friend and support MP and I call it turtling🐢🐢🐢…
