Being Beautiful…

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

I read today that the Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh had passed…in reading the article that Chris Grosso wrote in the Elephant Journal…regarding a lesson that he had learned from this spiritual teacher…something triggered an aha moment…

The last few weeks have been difficult…physically and emotionally stressful…continuing frustrations that triggered an elephant strong anger…which almost never happens to me…I always felt that anger was a wasted emotion that didn’t really help anyone, especially myself…yet, it threw its ugly head up and roared so loudly that I couldn’t pretend that it was just an illusion…or caused by anyone or anything other than my own nonacceptance of the current situation…

In preparing for the journey to my “Mt. Everest”…I had started back to the gym…after Covid avoidance for over a year and a half…and even engaged a trainer…first week superfine…upper body one day lower body the next…pushing me to accomplish 4 sets of 12 Reps… which I definitely wouldn’t have done by myself

Then he went on vacation…expecting to send me the exercises so that I could continue the routine on my own…and then Murphy stepped in…the trainer was unable to send the information…and I went backwards…losing momentum again…feeling very stymied on my desire to become healthy…

Ok…but not one to give up too easily…the trainer returned, and I scheduled another session…upper body and everything was written out…determined not to be foiled again…that was a Tuesday…

And Murphy started laughing…Wednesday I was being told by the doctor that I was not to do any weight training until I saw a physiotherapist…and I disappointedly canceled my Friday session 😣…

According to the physio…now I can continue the training sessions…the back and leg nerves are just going heal at the snail pace it decides to…the discomfort, tingling, burning and everything else associated is just going to take some time before it is all alleviated…I hate it…I hate it…I have always been healthy…not great at being patient…I am so super frustrated and it has been getting on my everlasting last nerve…

So that’s where I’m at…negative emotions swirling like winter confetti…snow in a dangerous winter blizzard…low visibility with the total whiteout…frozen hope ice pellets assailing my thoughts…

It is so important to me to lose the encumbering emotions and physical weight…more than important…it is paramount, critical, crucial and any other synonym that you can think of…the only goal in my life that has not been conquered to some part…I know what it feels like to be vibrant and healthy…Only gaining weight with abusive relationships and fallout…which is just another reason why this is so essential…it is pivotal to my feeling that the past no longer holds me back from being the best version of myself… my past will no longer be visibly represented in my body…I no longer need protection…I want to fly again…to be free… from this limiting cocoon…it is suffocating to me…

In this feeling of imperfect and ‘unbeautiful’ in body, soul and spirit…I came across the article…my translation was to take all these thoughts and emotions and hold them…”the same way that a mother holds a newborn baby”…”every thought and emotion wrapped in a warm blanket, being held with very loving care closely to your heart, your chest, as you extend it very sincere compassion from your heart center”…expressing love to our unpleasant thoughts and emotions…it is an unconditional love for myself…a love that is healing…

It is unusual for me…but it is comforting feeling…accepting myself in the imperfections …are my emotions calm and placid now…no…but like most things…it is a gradual subsiding…

I so yearned to be at least partway up my mountain by my birthday…three moons to my new year…no closer and even a little further away…and no less determined to make it…hell…high water…or whatever else comes my way…life is a journey…mine just happens to need to travel this mountain…it is said that the view will be worth it…I’ve been there and seen the possibilities…now just a little wiser and the view will be all the more extraordinary…

This is my struggle…I will grow…become stronger to fly again

“May your dreams be larger than mountains and may you have the courage to scale their summits.” ~Harley King

Tomorrow I will begin again… and if necessary…again again and again

Much love, laughter, and magic for your day❣

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