I never really felt the depth of loneliness before this month…I realize how separated I am from “normal “social interaction…and all the friends that I had to support me in the US…
It was a challenging time…during this month…we lost a woman that helped me clean…we didn’t really lose her…but she cannot work with the effects of the antivirals that she must take to stay alive…she has HIV…a mother with children…whose boyfriend died less than 6 months ago…how can I complain about anything… such as working hard …I have no such gauntlet to try and navigate daily…I would find her crying with no words to help her grief and pain…
It is excruciating as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) living in South Africa…the poverty and hardship of the people in this land is everywhere…it is seen on every street corner…there is no hiding or turning a blind eye from it…
We do what we can…but there is no salvation and for most…there is no hope…no hope of a way out…no hope of redemption…
South Africa has the highest level of HIV in the world…which also contributes to the high rate of TB here…“In the 2019 Global TB report, the HIV co-infection rate among notified TB cases in South Africa was 59%, which highlights the continued importance of HIV to the TB epidemic.”…
I try to keep my perspective and live with gratitude for my many blessings…truthfully, it does not always alleviate my own pain that sometimes still feels overwhelming…
I knew that as I lost weight the trapped emotions would rise to the surface and must be dealt with…the angry hurt energy would arise and need to be released…and the tap opened this past week when I was at my lowest in mental and physical energy…and the world conspired to assist me in opening my eyes to what I need to let go of…
and it continues…on a daily basis right now…just as I try and stand back up from one hit…another missile hits my heart…my soul…and knocks me back down…and I used food the last few days to salve the wounds…more like soft blanket to cocoon myself in… carbohydrates are wonderful for releasing serotonin and dopamine to make you feel better for a moment… fat is such a wonderful insulator…
…this is not where I want to be…I knew that the faucet of emotions would be released…that this would be part of the process…but it would be wonderful to feel someone really understood…the fear…fear is such a dark, enveloping cloud that consumes even the will to live…
I want to be free…free from the shackles of the past…to be free to feel joy again…there was a time not too long ago when I felt loving…I had worked my way to a level of forgiveness and freedom that was full of peace…but now I must transverse this underground cavern…a sewer of black, smelly, and heavy cloying smells… (the trail up the mountain has gone underground)…
Living life…I know that if I continue forward that I WILL come through…I have never been able to get through this before…the tumultuous darkness…the “black night of the soul”…the demons of fear that tear at my soul…the pain that wracks every fiber in my being until I feel like I will pass out because I can’t bear it…
The only way through this murky, reeking cesspool of hideous and repugnant feelings is to feel every tendril of cold pain …look at each horrendous, ugly monster in the eye…acknowledge their existence… then watch as it dissolves into the mist…it may be a long journey…maybe not…I have no idea…but I am ready to slay the demons that have sucked the energy and joy from my life…
This is not the happiest of writings…but it is my “truth”…just in case…I’m not alone in fighting the monsters that have torn at your soul…
Lots of love, laughter and magic for your day…❣
“You cannot defeat darkness by running from it, nor can you conquer your inner demons by hiding them from the world. In order to defeat the darkness, you must bring it into the light.”
Seth Adam Smith, Rip Van Winkle and the Pumpkin Lantern
GOOD NEWS!!!! I went to the nutritionist and had lost the kilogram per week that was what was determined as appropriate for me…and all “fat”…no muscle at all…this was during a period that we had family stay with us…with get-together’s and parties…pat myself on the back🥇…no alcohol even…
