…and that’s exactly what it felt like…watching a beautiful love story and floating blissfully in it’s sweet enchanting dream to be violently jolted by the loud jarring sound of the Attention Signal and the words…”We interrupt this program. …This is the Wartime Broadcasting Service. This country has been attacked with nuclear weapons. Communications have been severely disrupted, and the number of casualties and the extent of the damage are not yet known. We shall bring you further information as soon as possible. Meanwhile, stay tuned to this wavelength, stay calm and stay in your own house.”…https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four-minute_warning
It wasn’t a national emergency…but a bomb had been dropped on our own personal world🌍…no warning…in a few seconds our world that had already been altered drastically with Covid…now became totally decimated…everything stopped…my heart…my very breath…
…everything became surreal when I heard the words…the tumor was cancerous…a sigmoid cancer…adenocarcinoma ( a type of cancer that starts in the cells that form glands making mucus)…a stage II with 9 out of the 20 lymph nodes in the colon affected and was metastasized in the peritoneal area…all facts that are machine fired at you in such a perfunctory fashion…each new fact that was like a slap in the face that you are stunned by… with no understanding as to what is happening..
Mr. P had been suddenly thrust into a club that he did not want a membership to…he had even kept it all to himself until he knew that he had to be scheduled for surgery…I was quite perturbed about that…but he was trying to process the information and protect me from any unnecessary grief…so he was forgiven…and I didn’t really have time to dwell on that fact…
Within a couple of weeks…on Sept 29th surgery was scheduled…after about 4 hours of surgery…he was back at home within just a few days…doing better than most patients…he is such an incredibly strong man both physically and emotionally…with the doctor’s assessment that all the cancer had been removed…the infected section of colon, the lymph nodes in the thin tissue that attached your intestines to the back of your abdominal wall, …I didn’t even know that we had lymph nodes there…and the metastasized portion..he was cancer free…the future brightened a little…
…after a month of healing from the physical side effects of the surgery…chemo had to be started…12 sessions that would eradicate any last possible floating cancer cell…that horrible cocktail of drugs and chemo…
The hardest part for me is the helplessness that I feel…a hug or hand holding does not obliterate the nausea, the extreme fatigue, the unusual side effect of “cold dysesthesia” or cold hypersensitivity (where even drinking anything cold can cause your throat to close)…or the photosensitivity…or any of the myriad number of effects that he must endure…
I hate that I am cannot sit with him during his chemo sessions…where he must sit alone and watch those like him that suffer…sometimes with excruciating side effects…the best I can do pray and wait…send a care package with love note…learn how to remove his port and inject his immune booster shot in his stomach…all with love and care…
Yet my heart is filled with gratitude for the life that I share with this man I love…the good and the bad…the nightmares and the sweetest of dreams…true, authentic, raw love is boundless…for better…for worse…in sickness and in health…
Yes…life is currently on hold for me…the photography and the writing are not at the top of my list at the moment…other “normal” activities don’t warrant my concentrated attention either…but that’s perfectly OK …for until our world stops wobbling I will just hold unto Mr. P and close my eyes…embracing it all with a heart of thankfulness for what I have in the moment…
I can’t wait for the day that we can start planning our future again…the list continues to grow of the things that we plan to do…the travels…the new adventures…and more hand and heart holding…
The rain will pass and the sky will clear…the sun will shine and the flowers will bloom…just waiting for the storm to pass…
Heart wrenching and beautiful. A love as strong as yours will sustain you through this difficult time. Thank you for sharing your journey.
I am humbled and grateful for the thoughtful comment.
Dear Renee, I hardly ever read my emails, since last year. Just found your blog. So very glad that you are there for Mr P. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers very often. Your writing skills are off the charts! I appreciate you.
You are such a sweet and beautiful soul…thank you so much for your support 🌻